Bar 29 (original.) 29th and 3rd Ave.

For those of you who don't know me exceptionally well, I'm what some would call...contrary. I enjoy conflict, I enjoy getting into it with people and things. Now that doesn't mean that I am not open to enjoying things. The exact opposite. In fact, read my first review! I like to like things. Liking things is one of my favorite past times. Alas, I was unable to like Bartender and my most recent exploration, Bar 29.

Now Bar 29 on 3rd Avenue in Murray Hill used to be a bar called Makers. Bartender had visited that incarnation of this location before, but had not visited since it changed names, so we decided that this wouldn't count against the rule that we would only go to places that neither of us had visited before. We have also been drawn to this particular locale because of a sandwich board that resides outside of the entry way that reads "Rock, Paper, Scissors Mondays" with no further explanation as to what that actually means. I'm always appreciative of some mystery associated with my cocktails, so we had it at the forefront of our minds when deciding to head out. Once again we find ourselves drowning our anger/exhaustion/hangover on a Friday after work, so personally my expectations are pretty low. Basically I need a deodorant stick that I can suck the alcohol out of at this point in the week and I'll be golden. We walk into Bar 29 and there is very conveniently a table right next to the big open window. Once again we can partake in some quality people watching. Woo! We sit down and are told by our very friendly bartender, Isaac, that there is no table service and we will order from him. A round of tall boy PBR's, please! There is just a world of win here so far, no complaints yet!

Unfortunately that didn't last. Along with being in severe need of an alcoholic beverage after our long work week and day, we also needed some munchables. A tiny sandwich board that sat on our table advertised some interesting options, such as mozzerella sticks, sliders, and pizza bagels. Points for originality with the pizza bagels, bar with the most unoriginal name I have ever seen! However, we decide to settle on an order of chicken wings. (an important detail to note here is that the wings were, in fact, referred to as "chicken wings". Not "Buffalo wings", but the REAL name for wings, the way they're referred to in Buffalo proper.) I had high hopes for these wings. Obviously any establishment who knew what to call them MUST know how to cook them. Oh. OH. SO WRONG.

Now I am an opinionated wing consumer. I'm from Buffalo. I am indoctrinated into the world of the wing as soon as I am weaned off the boob. But even so, I can acknowledge a decent to moderately unappealing wing as something I can eat happily at a bar after work. We ordered our wings "spicy", so I, like any other reasonable human, expected my wings to come out saucy, hot, and spectacular. When the wings arrived (and trust me, I use the word "wings" lightly) I did a double take. First of all, they didn't look at all like wings. They looked like little fry blobs of mystery. The flat wings were relatively recognizable, if not exceptionally small, but the drumettes were just...strange. The bone had been chopped off, so it was just the round head part of the leg. It was disarming. What the fuck is this? Is the bone so offensive that it deserves to be so violently removed? It's an insult to the chicken, and to chicken wings in general. How dare you, Bar 29? HOW. DARE. YOU. Next, there was no sauce to be found. These poor excuses for wings were likely dropped right from the freezer into some hot oil, left on too long, and then put right into the plastic basket they were served in. All you need to do is turn on the Food Network to realize that that is wing SACRILEDGE. Now perhaps if you had gone to www.anchorbar.com and purchased some HISTORY in a bottle you could have improved upon this insult to Western New York. But no. No, you decided to serve this bullshit. IT WASN'T EVEN SPICY. You have offended me as a Buffalonian, but more importantly as a decent person who just wants to enjoy her bar snack. Take this LIE off the menu, Bar 29. For the good of all of us. God, need I even say it? FAIL.

Now there isn't much bouncing back from this level of fail. However, this bar had some good points. First, the bartender was very nice. I once beckoned him from my table (a move that Bartender found rude, but I thought was just convenient for both myself and Isaac) and he sent over a round no questions asked. Secondly, that "Rock, Paper, Scissors Monday" that I mentioned before? Apparently every Monday all one needs to do is walk into the bar and challenge the bartender to a round of rock, paper, scissors. If you win, your drink is FREE. Lose, and you pay full price. I know where I will be every Monday as I walk home from work. They also appear to have Saved by the Bell trivia. I'm practically Jesse Spano's bottle of caffeine pills I know so much about that show. Step to me, bitches. Then, at the end of the visit when I closed my tab it was significantly cheaper than I expected. Like $15 dollars cheaper. Now whether that was due to the excessive flirtation that Bartender undertook with Isaac or just due to him being a stand up guy will remain unclear, but either way I was appreciative. The bathroom was also very nice. I know how important that is to some.

However, like I said, coming back from the terrible impression the "wings" left was next to impossible. This bar, while it may get a visit from me to answer the question of what signed photo, when moved, caused sirens to go off in the geek owned Bayside school store (Mr. Rodgers), I doubt I will be frequenting this establishment. Also, get a better name.

Bartender Response to La Cocina

After reading the Therapist's review of our Friday Happy Hour trip to La Cocina, I asked myself, "Were we actually at the same place?"

I was psyched to end my day/begin my night with a margarita or two. The sign said "2 for 1 margaritas!"

Great!

Not so great.

First, the "2 for 1" isn't exactly as advertised. It's 2 for 1, for $11.00. I call that 50 cents off the regular priced margarita, not a buy one, get one free. If I tried to pull that off at my bar, I would be bitched at every single time. But whatever. So as the Therapist said, we ordered the margaritas on the rocks, as frozen margaritas are for amateurs on the beach. Or maybe for all the people who usually come into La Cocina, because it didn't seem like the bartender had much experience in making a good margarita. It was okay at best. Now, I don't claim to make the best margarita (actually, we have a new one for which we use jalapeno infused tequila that is DAMN good, but I regress). However, I also don't work at a Mexican bar/restaurant!

*sigh*

Moving on. We decide to order the nachos. How hard can it be to mess up an order of nachos? We order it without any meat. Looking back, I'm not sure why we that, but at the time we didn't think it was necessary. We were wrong, because they replaced the meat with broccoli and spinach. Um, eww. I like spinach, but not on my nachos, and broccoli makes me want to vomit. Perhaps they should have said that they would add nastiness never before seen on nachos. But they didn't. Also, the portion was small, and limited in the usual toppings that you would expect when ordering such a standard dish.

So now I'm still hungry, as I was unable to partake in most of the nacho eating experience because of the vile week broccoli. I proceed to order the chicken tacos. Surely, this can't be messed up.

Wrong again!

The tortilla wasn't much different from what you would find at Taco Bell, and the chicken was dry and unremarkable. I had to dump a shit load of hot sauce on it in order to be able to taste it at all. Again, seems like this should be something that would be impossible to mess up. I can barely make toast, but I'm pretty sure I would be able to put together a better tasting taco.

In regards to the not-so-free chips at salsa. It's like when you go get a manicure, and as your nails are drying, the manicurist immediately comes over and starts rubbing your shoulders, and then tries to charge you an additional $10.00. Not so fast, Sneaky McGee. If they chips and salsa were only free in the beginning, they should tell you. It's just good business practice, people.

Now, believe it or not, I do have something positive to say about La Cocina. Their bathrooms. Yes, their bathrooms. They have two unisex bathrooms, which is surprising given the smallness of the restaurant. There is nothing more agitating than having to wait for the three girls ahead of you apply and reapply their mascara, while the mens room remains open. They were also clean and well-stocked. Now if only they put as much effort to the quality of their drinks, food, and service as they do their bathrooms, I would recommend this place. But since they don't, I unfortunately have to give La Cocina a FAIL.